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What Would People Think?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

[Note: As of this post-midnight writing, it is only 4 days until Christy and I get married. Stresses abound, as do small and large joys. Right now, we're cleaning Christy's apartment. Taking a brief break to post one of those jokes that's been circulating around the e-mails. The more you know of various Christian (or pseudo-Christian) denominations, the funnier this is. My favorites, given my family's background, are the Baptists and the Lutherans.]

[This may well be the last blog post before one of the most important events in my life. So, of course, I decided to fill it with something utterly frivolous. See many of y'all soon!]

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?


  • My favorite might be the Unitarians one, even though I don't believe Unitarianism is technically a Christian denomination.

    I didn't know Charismatism was the name of a Christian denomination, but that's utterly hilarious.

    By Blogger Mike, at 8/08/2006 9:58 AM  

  • You should know, O Benjamin, that your RSS feed is currently broken, and is, in fact, often so. It makes it tougher to read your enlightening words. Use ye mystic Feed Validator.

    By Blogger Barzelay, at 8/08/2006 2:34 PM  

  • Technologically challenged blogger present. What IS an RSS feed?

    By Blogger Ben, at 8/08/2006 8:30 PM  

  • Are you serious? That's all they could come up with for Catholics... there's gotta be more material there... I mean, that's almost the same gag as the Amish one...

    Also, very best wishes on that wedding thing.

    By Blogger Matthew B. Novak, at 8/09/2006 1:13 AM  

  • Liked the mormon one.

    Have a great wedding Ben.

    By Anonymous OWM, at 8/09/2006 9:58 AM  

  • Agree with Matt on the Catholic one. Indeed, I was disappointed with the Methodist one as well.

    Ben, in theory Blogger provides you with an RSS feed -- I learned this from an old post by Jacob. You might not have it enabled. Oh well, now people will actually have to go to the trouble of simply remembering to check your site periodically. The horror!

    By Blogger Mike, at 8/09/2006 10:09 AM  

  • Your feed allows me automatically to know when you have updated. I read too many blogs to go to each one just to check it all the time. See Sage for Firefox (you are using Firefox, yes?), or Google Reader.

    Yours is being generated, but its formatting is broken.

    By Blogger Barzelay, at 8/09/2006 6:25 PM  

  • hi ben,
    what's a good address to send you mail for the next month?

    By Blogger Erin, at 8/09/2006 9:20 PM  

  • Somebody remind me to fix that feed when I've got a spare moment. (i.e. After the Honeymoon)

    By Blogger Ben, at 8/10/2006 1:26 PM  

  • How dare you not put my easy blog reading ahead of your wedding and honeymoon plans?

    By Blogger Barzelay, at 8/10/2006 6:10 PM  

  • Dude. You're married. Crazy.

    By Blogger Mike, at 8/14/2006 11:08 AM  

  • Having a one time had family working for, though not attending, one of the Unitarian Churches in Tulsa, I have a unique appreciation for the Unitarian response. Thanks for the laughter.

    By Blogger Aaron, at 8/17/2006 5:44 AM  

  • Honeymoon shmoneymoon. I want more blog posts! (Says the guy who hasn't posted in a week.)

    By Blogger Mike, at 8/17/2006 10:06 AM  

  • Answer to the titular question:

    Three. But really, just one.

    By Blogger Jeff, at 8/18/2006 8:39 PM  

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